In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he brings up these four types of traits that appear when couples argue. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Each of these traits does not necessarily follow a strict order. However, they all can be present in any relationship during arguments. Each trait makes the other traits more present in the relationship.
#1 Criticism
This is usually one of the first signs that shows a relationship is in trouble. However, many people cannot distinguish the difference between what constitutes criticism and what makes up a complaint.
Complaints focus on a specific behavior or event. They’re reminders of things we need from the other person.
- You promised the other day to take care of the laundry. Can you take care of it?
- I wish you’d have told me earlier that we were going out to eat with your parents before I cooked all this food.
Criticisms express a negative feeling or opinion about a person’s character or personality. Many people would describe the statement as being attacked and very aggressive.
Common phrases include “you always”, “you never”, “what is wrong with you”, and “why.”
- I told you the other day to take care of the laundry. You never listen to anything I say. Are you deaf or just lazy?
- You always tell me stuff at the last minute. What’s wrong with you? What am I suppose to do with all this food now?
Do not worry if you have many complaints and criticisms in your relationship. They are very common in relationships. The only problem is when they start becoming a lot more frequent. With a higher frequency, the other horsemen start appearing more often.
#2 Contempt
According to the Gottman Institute, it is called the worst of the four horsemen. It’s a sense of feeling superior over their partner. Instead of helping each other reach the best versions of themselves, you start treating your partner negatively by showing sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, and hostile humor. This type of attitude will lead to only more fighting.
Contempt does not suddenly appear in relationships out of nowhere. Over time, it is the small actions and words your partner does that fuels long-term negative thoughts. These negative thoughts lead to doubts and concerns about their behavior. One person stopped believing the best in the other person.
#3 Defensiveness
When we get verbally attacked by another person, our natural instinct is to start defending ourselves. By giving a reasonable defense, we believe that the other person will understand and listen to what we have to say. However, that does not happen. The person who is verbally attacking us continues and does not try to resolve the situation.
Defensiveness is just an excuse for one person to blame the other. This leads to an escalation of the conflict because one person morally feels superior to the other. When they feel superior, it can hard to convince them to come down off their moral high ground to listen to what you have to say.
A common phrase most aggressors use is “why are you being so defensive?” They make it sound like it was your fault and that you have to justify your reaction. However, if we are not allowed to defend ourselves, what are we supposed to do?
Another form of defensiveness is playing the “innocent victim” where there was no chance that it was their fault. After enduring the aggressor’s “better than you” attitude for so long, many people choose to fight back. It’s normal at least for them to play the victim. A common phrase is “chill. I’m just joking/kidding.”
#4 Stonewalling
Stonewalling is where one partner picks to tune out and disengage from the relationship. This person avoids fights and engaging with their partner. There’s an illusion that the relationship has improved because the argument intensity has gone down. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
At least one person has stopped trying in the relationship because they have given up. They do not have the energy to fight anymore and they would rather not say anything because continuing the conversation would not lead to a positive outcome.
You may have heard:
- I’m tired of arguing with you.
- Uh huh.
- Okay.
- *silence*
We’ve all gone through these four parts throughout our relationship and it’s normal. The relationships that make it are the ones that are able to tackle these when they all come up.
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
