When most people think of what makes great couples, the first word that comes to mind is always communication. However, think about the last time you communicated with a family member, significant other, or friend. Did you feel like you were understood or did it feel like both of you were just talking?
Here are some tips for active listening:
1. Is it okay to talk?
The first thing you want to prepare for a conversation is to ask if this is a good time to speak. The other person could have something important on their mind or be distracted. It is best to avoid a difficult conversation when it is unplanned. Use words like “we” or “our” when bringing up the topic so the other person does not feel like the concern is solely that other person’s fault. Schedule a time when you are both prepared to discuss it in a comfortable space.
- Hey Katie, I wanted to check in with you to see if it’s okay to talk about our fight over the blanket covers at night. When is a good time to talk about this?
2. Tell Me More
Before responding, ensure that you have all the relevant information and heard it accurately. The details behind why a person believes a certain belief or thought can help you to understand from their point of view. The goal is to reach a point where they can say “I can understand where you are coming from and how your mind led to this choice.”
- It sounds like my facial expressions led you to think I was angry at you. Tell me more about what else you noticed.
3. Did I get that right?
Paraphrase or summarize what you have heard from the other person and ask if you captured what they said accurately. A great listener always clarifies to make sure that both people understand each other.
- I heard that you are feeling sad right now because the way your mom treated you. Am I hearing you right?
4. Taking a Break
Listening is exhausting! Frustration, anger, and feelings of being overwhelmed are normal. The worst-case choice both people can do right now is to continue the conversation. Request a break of at least twenty minutes. Avoid thinking about the argument and use that time to relax your mind. Go for a walk. Walk your dog. Take care of yourself during this time.
- I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed right now. is it okay if we take a break and resume this an hour later?
5. What’s the Positive Intention?
It is easy to jump to conclusions because our brains are hardwired to do that after a lifetime of experience. However, in active listening, we want to do the opposite where we want to get curious about why that person thinks. Ask yourself:
- What could be the positive reason they are acting this way?
- Is there a good reason they made this choice?
The best thing we could do is ask more questions and get all the details before making a conclusion.
Share some of your favorite tips down below that you have found help in active listening!
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
