Take Turns
Nothing shuts down a conversation faster than not being heard. When you’re not being heard, you unconsciously “check out” of the conversation because you no longer feel invested. No one person gets to monopolize the time.
A good way to share time is to ensure each person gets to talk for 15 minutes.
Put the Spotlight on Your Partner
Stay focused on the partner by showing genuine interest. Ask questions and maintain eye contact. I think of this part as who you put the spotlight on in your conversations.
Some great ways are to reflect on what they said and ask some open ended follow up questions.
- It sounds like you really connected with your parents with your weekend. What made it so memorable for you?
- That takes a lot of courage to stand up to your boss. How did you feel afterwards?
Avoid shifting the spotlight onto yourself. Keywords include “I” or “my”. When you shift the focus onto yourself, you end up taking what they had to share and making it about yourself. While you may feel like you’re using your own story to connect with them, it’s easy to forget that many people just want to be heard. They do not want to problem solve. It turns you into the speaker instead of the listener.
- I remember one time where I felt that way. When my dog passed away, I felt very overwhelmed by feelings of sadness.
- My experience at the doctor’s office was not like that. I think your doctor just sucks. Go find another one.
These words are not helpful towards listening and may make them feel like you’re making it all about yourself.
Don’t Give Unsolicited Advice
When someone is being honest with you, the first thing everyone wants to do is to solve their problem. However, many partners may just want to vent and have a listener who is there to offer a shoulder to cry on. Unless they specifically ask for help, avoid giving advice.
The main idea is to fully understand and empathize with what they are feeling about the situation.
Communicate your Understanding
Let your partner know you empathize with them. One of the common ways people show they understand is to reflect what their partner said and rephrase it differently.
Nikki: I hate today! My boss yelled at me because my coworker and I did not get her work done. I had to end up covering for her. Worse day ever.
Robert: It sounds like a very stressful day for you today. You feel hurt when your boss yelled at you.
Take your Partner’s Side
It does not matter if you agree with your partner’s opinion; you want to express support even if you think their perspective is unreasonable. You want to show that even if you both disagree on a certain topic, you will both continue to believe the best in each other.
Us Against the World
The worse thing you can ever do to your significant other is to make them feel alone. If they feel alone in facing difficulty, let them know you are both in it together. Even if you feel like you cannot help, let them know you support them no matter what.
Show Affection
People receive and give affection differently. One of my favorite books, the 5 Love Languages, talks about five ways each of us may perceive affection. Visit their site to discover your profile of how you prefer to receive love. Find opportunities to show that love to them.
Validate Emotions
During the conversation, let your partner know that their feelings make sense to you. My favorite phrase is to say, “It’s normal to feel that way.” Their feelings are valid in the moment and they should not feel guilty for feeling that way.
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
