When we think of boundaries in our relationships, our first instinct is to assume that great relationships do not need boundaries. Both of you are sharing your emotional, physical, and most intimate spaces both physically and emotionally. What would be the purpose of these boundaries? Are they even necessary?
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are necessary for every relationship. Sharon Martin, LCSW shared that “when boundaries aren’t clear there’s confusion about who’s responsible for what and this confusion leads to excessive and displaced blame.” They let your partner know the spaces where you are comfortable with the two of you and areas where you may need some space to yourself. These boundaries can either be physical boundaries or mental boundaries on areas that you feel comfortable having by yourself. For these boundaries, focus on being clear and sharing your needs with your significant other.
When boundaries aren’t clear there’s confusion about who’s responsible for what and this confusion leads to excessive and displaced blame.
Sharon Martin, LCSW
Be Clear
The best way to establish those boundaries is to be specific to your partner. Incorporate time and asking the partner if those boundaries are okay with them. Ensure that you are both practicing active listening so that both people understand each other.
“I would love to hear about your day. However, this last assignment cannot wait. Can we talk about this in ten minutes?”
“I need the backyard to myself this evening at 7 pm to meditate and relieve some stress by myself. Is that okay?”
“Is it okay if we have this conversation tomorrow evening at 6 pm? I am exhausted tonight. “
When we are clear with what we want in our healthier boundaries, we can start to convey our needs to others.
Share Your Needs
Our needs are core to who we are as individuals. They represent what makes us feel safe and secure. When we add in another person, it is easy to forget about them for the sake of the relationship. As an individual within a relationship, there is a delicate balance of what you need versus the needs of your partner. Healthy boundaries will always include advocating to be included and heard on many important decisions. Include how you feel when your partner crosses those boundaries.
“I feel scared when there are any purchases above $500. I need to be included on those major decisions to ensure that we go into debt.”
“I need us to talk every night before we go to bed for at least ten minutes. I feel all over the place when I don’t have someone to vent my day to.”
Once you convey your needs, you can be flexible on different areas such as the length or amount that is dedicated to what you need. Your partner can also assist in any way to help the other person feel more secure.
Try out these examples and mix it up with your own words. These phrases do not come naturally to every couple. Practice them daily with your significant other and over time, it will flow more naturally. Comment below about some of your favorite phrases.
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
