When two people are often stuck on a perpetual issue, it can often feel like both people are stuck and entrenched in their respective views. Both people are communicating, but no one has actually gotten closer to the heart of the issue. They try to
Compromises work towards getting both people to get closer to yes. One thing I remind people is to say “Compromise with me like I am someone you love” to each other before they begin the process.
Categorize the Problem
Perpetual or Gridlocked Issues
According to John Gottman, 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems. Perpetual issues are characteristics or traits that can never be solved. However, this can still irritate the other person whose characteristics or traits may be different. These problems can often lead to gridlock because both people try to solve an issue that cannot be solved. As part of the compromise, these goals need a different strategy to tackle them.
- It is not the goal to solve this problem.
- The goal is to move from gridlock to dialogue
- It is a dialogue that will last for years
- The issue may never be resolved; it just won’t hurt so much anymore
If one person thinks it is a perpetual issue, it is a perpetual issue for the couple. Some examples include differences in neatness and organization, wanting time together versus time spent apart, and how to raise and discipline children.
Solvable Issues
These are the other 31% of marital conflicts. Solvable problems have concrete and tangible solutions. Solvable problems do not have underlying , symbolic meanings, or hidden agendas. Skills are still necessary to solve them, but it is possible to resolve them.
Potential categories for solvable problems
Money and finances
Diet and food issues
In-laws and kin
Sex
Religion
Household chores
Recreation and having fun
Friends
Children (having children, raising children)
Issues of power and respect
Balancing career and family
Handling stresses
3 Steps of Compromise
Both people should focus specifically on one topic to discuss. Take ten minutes to think about these different areas. Draw two ovals with one smaller inner oval inside a larger outer oval. The inner oval represents what you are unwilling to yield on. I encourage people to keep this as small as possible. For the outer oval, write what you are willing to be flexible on.
- Define your minimal core needs. There are areas where you cannot yield on.
- Define your areas of flexibility. Make it as big as possible.
- Come up with a temporary compromise and revisit often to reevaluate.
After ten minutes, have both people discuss the following questions. Take notes on what each other has said.
Getting to “Yes”
Use the following questions to UNDERSTAND each other.
- Help me understand why your inflexible area is so important to you.
- What are your core feelings, beliefs, or values about this issue?
- Help me understand your flexible areas.
- What are our common goals?
- What feelings do we have in common?
- How can I help you meet your core needs?
- How can we reach a temporary compromise?
After both people have shared their points of view on the questions, ask each other if the temporary compromise is something that you both can agree on.
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
