Emotional intimacy with our partners can play a big role in the relationship’s future. Similar to a regular bank account, emotional bank accounts have opportunities to deposit or withdraw. An emotional bank account with a high amount can weather difficult moments. For emotional bank accounts with negative or low balances, it can often lead to a breakdown of trust and commitment between both individuals.
Deposits
- Sharing an appreciation you noticed that they did
- Taking care of a task your partner needed to do
- Date Nights
- 5 Love Languages
- Active Listening
- Anniversaries or major holidays
- Vacations or trips
- Spending time together with just the two of you
Withdrawals
- Criticizing your partner
- Turning away from your partner
- Not doing anything in the relationship
- Stonewalling your partner
- Showing contempt
- Crossing the other person’s physical and emotional boundaries
5:1 Ratio
This is the magic ratio that determines how many deposits you would need to make to equal one withdrawal. I encourage every couple to aim for a 6:1 ratio. You always want to get into the habit of building towards savings in your emotional bank account. If there is a high amount, your relationship is more likely to survive during difficult moments compared to those with a low balance in their emotional bank account.
Challenge
My challenge to you today is to inquire about six ways you could deposit into your emotional bank account today. Think of a mix of small daily tasks that you could do combined with some larger infrequently done tasks that could convey how you feel.
- ________________________________
- ________________________________
- ________________________________
- ________________________________
- ________________________________
- ________________________________
After completing the list, practice each of them the following week and observe whether or not it worked for you and your partner. If it worked, keep it! If it did not, think about what could change to make it feasible. You can change the frequency of the task or change the whole task.
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
