Every person goes through difficult conversations throughout their lives. It’s normal. It can be tough for conversations to be productive without communicating effectively with each other. When we have those tough conversations, it can be hard to listen to each other if we are not gentle with how we talk to one another. Here are some helpful tips:
1) Taking Some Responsibility
Before starting any tough conversations, take some pressure off the other person by putting small blame on yourself. This may seem strange since it may not even be your fault.
The goal is not to “win” the fight but to really start gently so the other person may be more willing to agree and listen to what you have to share. With this in mind, the benefit is that you’re both starting off at a better place.
2) Share Your Feelings
Convey your feelings about the situation that has happened. A great tip is to start off with “I feel (emotion) that ….” because it conveys your thoughts from your point of view.
Be careful not to use the word “You” unless necessary because the other person may interpret that as criticism for them.
3) Focus on the Situation
I would talk mainly about the situation that is creating a pain point. If we’re experiencing an emotional response to something that bothered us, there must have been a specific situation that triggered it.
Try to avoid blaming the other person as the trigger. There must have been a situation that you were both in that prompted this response. Communicate what you see and do not judge the person. For example, if you’re angry at the other person, where did it happen and what lack of action during that time bothered you?
“Communicate what you see and do not judge the person.”
For example, if you’re angry at the other person, where did it happen and what lack of action during that time bothered you?
4) What I need
No one is a mind reader and they cannot predict what you need from them unless you’re clear about what you want. Jeseca Parchment, a blogger from ThisEraMarriage, writes about how relationships require both sides to be open and frank about what is on their mind. She said, “Just as you would freely open up to a friend or family member, do the same with each other.”
I encourage you to use the word “I need…” and avoid use the word “you” in this statement. Convey what you feel you are missing and the reason behind it.
Examples
- I’m feeling unhappy that I have to do all this cooking by myself. (sharing feelings) It’s almost dinnertime and I’m nowhere close to finishing the meal. (situation) I know I should have requested your help earlier (responsibility), but can you help me with dinner prep? I need some help with cutting all the vegetables. (need)
- When I got home yesterday, I noticed the new couch. (situation) I know I have forgotten to respond to your past three text messages about what type of couch to buy. (responsibility) But I’m upset that my opinion was not consulted before purchasing the couch. (sharing feelings) I want us both to have a coach we’re happy with. (need)
Exercises
For the following exercises, come up with your own responses using the tips above to have a meaningful conversation with the other person.
1. Your friend has accidentally broken one of the prized plates that you got as a gift from your mother. When asked about it, they said that it’s not a big deal because you can buy them anywhere. This upsets you. How do you respond?
Response:
2. Your significant other has forgotten to do their set of chores for the second week in a row. They have also been working on a big project for the past month. This mess is starting to pile up. How do you respond?
Response:
Taking a Break
It’s okay to tell each other during these discussions that you would like to take a break. These conversations are tough. It’s better to take a break and come back with a calmer mindset than continuing to discuss when one person has already “checked out” of the conversation.
It’s recommended to take at least twenty minutes to do anything other than thinking about the previous topic. Do NOT think about what points you’ll bring up after the break. The purpose is to distract yourself and do something to relax.
I hope these tips have been helpful for you and the other person. I’d love to hear what tips you have found helpful during conflicts. Let me know in the comments!
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
