Question
My significant other is very affectionate. The problem is that I’m not very affectionate. I can be kind of awkward in a relationship and I think it’s mostly because I grew up in a household where my parents weren’t very affectionate. How can I take the initiative sometimes to show the man that I like him?
Response
Every person will show affection differently based on how they grew up. Our parents can have a huge influence on how we want to show affection in the future. However, our affection needs can be very different from what our parents want. In the video, Steve is right that she is capable of showing affection to others. However, he is wrong that if she wants to show affection, she should rush to reciprocate his physical touch. From her body language, she seemed uncomfortable being affectionate in public.
If I saw her and her significant other together, I would ask them to explore their history with affection within their family. Both sides would share about how her parents shared affection through another method. During this time, it is crucial to listen and ask questions that allow the speaker to share more. It is not a time to share your own thoughts and judgments until they have finished sharing their story. This step allows both sides to understand why they may behave this way and to deepen their connection.
Affection can be beyond physical touch. A great resource to discover a person’s needs is to look at their own love languages. I assume her love languages to show her affection had to be either acts of service, gift-giving, words of affirmation, or quality time. Physical touch was something she was unfamiliar with. Her significant other must have had parents that showed affection through a lot of physical touches. After hearing each other’s history, they may be more understanding about why they respond this way.
Her needs are not clear in this video about how she receives love. This is an area the couple needs to explore further to ensure that she is receiving affection through other means other than physical touch.
For the significant other, she can start taking steps to slowly integrate physical touch to satisfy his need. It can start with slowly holding one finger on the couch together for a period of time. They can increase the length of that time or progress further to holding hands. This is the best method because she may not be comfortable with this yet and may need to take small steps. Rushing physical affection can have the opposite effect. The goal is to slowly make progress each week towards getting more physically closer at a pace she is comfortable with.
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
