Any relationship often brings together two people who often behave very differently from each other. They share different values, beliefs, and ideas about how they see the world. It can be difficult to always figure out what problems can be compromised on and which problems need to be kept away from you to maintain your own mental health.
Can this Problem even be Solved?
For any person, they need to reflect on whether this problem can be solvable. There are inherent character traits that we can never solve. According to Dr. John Gottman, 69% of perpetual problems between couples can never be solved. For example, you cannot convince someone to like spicy food if their tongue feels like it’s on fire. Another example is trying to get someone who values eight hours of sleep to stay up late and wake up early. It is very difficult to change our core traits.
Compromise versus Setting a Boundary
This may require having a conversation with your partner about what the problem is. They need to not respond until you feel that you have completed shared what is on your mind. Focus on the problem instead of criticizing the person. If your partner is open to making some small changes, they are open to compromise. If they consistently interrupt you while explaining your thoughts and try to tell you that what you are feeling is wrong, it may be time to set boundaries.
How to Compromise
My favorite activity is two circles activity. Draw one circle and write what you cannot compromise on in relation to the topic. Keep in mind that the more you put in here, the more difficult it is to compromise. In a larger circle around the first circle, write what you are open to compromise on. The more you write here, the more options you have to compromise with your partner. After you are done, take turns sharing your deal breakers and areas where you are open to compromise.
Example
Kevin wants the couple to go on hikes for dates while Michelle would prefer them to go visit a local museum or park for the weekend. They both have a discussion about their ideas and are both open to making some changes. Kevin states that one of his deal-breakers is that he needs to do something active during the date. Michelle shares that one of her deal breakers is that she cannot go to a far destination for a date. Kevin shares that he is willing to compromise on the location of the hike and the intensity of the physical activity. Michelle says that she is open to doing some physical activity. They compare where there is some overlap. They came to the conclusion that they will do some light running and walking at a local park near their house. This satisfies Kevin’s need for physical activity and Michelle’s need of staying close.
How to Set Boundaries
To set boundaries, list which values are being ignored by the other person. To protect those values, let the person understand what values are being compromised and why you have reached this point in the discussion. Afterward, share the consequences for what happens if they violate those boundaries. If they violate your boundaries, enforce those boundaries and follow through. If you ignore the consequences, they will see that you are not serious and continue to violate those boundaries.
Example
Michelle warns Kevin that if he forgets to get her a meaningful gift for their anniversary that she would spend the whole day by herself. Michelle shows up to the date spot and Kevin gets there a few minutes later. He hands her a small bouquet of flowers from the corner store around the street and says, “Happy Anniversary.” She promptly leaves and goes to a local spa to relax. She ignores Kevin’s call and turns off her phone.
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
