The First Sign: Hostile Start
The fastest way to tell the future of any relationship is to observe the way a person speaks and expresses themselves at the beginning of any conversation to their partner.
Have you ever gone on a first date and heard that the first impression matters? This is a similar idea. If the conversation begins with a hostile start towards the partner, it will most likely end on a negative note even if both sides tried to be nice to each other.
In his research, John Gottman wrote in his book that he could predict with a 96% accuracy on the outcome of the conversation within the first three minutes of a fifteen-minute chat. He concedes that it’s better to end the conversation, take a break and restart it later on than continue the conversation.
The Second Sign: The Four Traits
For this sign, it is the presence of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The presence of having all of these traits means that your relationship is in serious trouble. Having one of these traits makes the other traits more likely to appear. Learn more here.
The Third Sign: Flooding
Flooding is when we are psychologically and physically overwhelmed by all the intense negativity from the other person. For most people at the first sign of being flooded, they typically stonewall to protect themselves.
After multiple times of stonewalling, it can expose cracks and eventually, they’ll be overwhelmed. Many people start becoming hypervigilant and look for signs that their spouse will “blow” up towards them again. If any of these signs start appearing, they may feel like they have no choice but to avoid it at all costs to prevent being overwhelmed.
The Fourth Sign: Physical Signals
When we feel we are in danger, one of the cues we look out for is how our body reacts. These signs may include our hearts beating faster, our blood pressure increasing, and our adrenaline (fight or flight reaction) coursing through our veins. This goes back to our primitive roots where we focused on fighting or fleeing as our primary options.
This is a normal response when we feel flooded by our partner. When this reaction occurs, it is very difficult to have a productive conversation with the other person.
One sign is when our arms cross in front of us. It may seem like a confrontational pose, but it’s a way of comforting ourselves. It’s described as a self-hug. Notice these signs the next time you’re in conflict with your partner.
The Fifth Sign: Failure to Make Up
When people get into arguments, one sign of a good marriage is how they tend to mend their disagreements with each other. If they are both able to mend their differences together, they may save the relationship.
These attempts at repairing the relationship can lead to long term stability. However, each couple has their own unique ways of conveying that they want to make up with each other.
Ways to suggest to your partner that you want to make up:
- Stick out their tongue
- Laugh
- Smile at each other
- Do a funny dance move
- Make a funny animal sound
Every couple should identify a few ways they want to signal to the other person that they want the argument to end. It should be discussed beforehand so both people acknowledge the signs. These should help both sides try to end the discussion on a positive note.
The Sixth Sign: Terrible Memories
For couples that are in bad relationships, they often interpret their past as a terrible experience. Happy couples remember all the highlights of the past and recall it with positivity. They will describe their experience with positivity and anyone can tell that it’s a wonderful memory for them.
Couples with a negative view remember all the bad parts of their relationships. They focus more on the facts of the courtship and nothing more. You can tell by how they describe how they met each other as an indicator of how they feel about each other.
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
