1. Courage & Authenticity
The original definition of courage meant “to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart”. If we truly want to connect with others, we need to display ordinary courage by putting our vulnerabilities on the line in front of others. A common way that people can display their vulnerabilities is through events that they’re looking forward to.
The example I will use is applying to college. For example, if I apply to Harvard, I can downplay the event by saying to my friends and family, “If I don’t get in, it’s not a big deal.” This protects myself from disappointment by numbing the disappointment when I don’t get in. Friends and family won’t sulk with me because I never told them that it was a big deal to me. If I do get into Harvard, the joy I will receive will be greatly diminished. Similar to the previous statement, I told them that it was not a big deal. Once you numb the negative feelings, you also unintentionally numb any positive feelings as well.
Brene Brown tells the story of courageous mothers at a performance. One mother showed up late and miss her daughter’s performance because she was in traffic. Another mother shook her head, rolled her eyes in disappointment as she passed by this late mother, which caused her to cry. However, two other mothers showcased courage by comforting this mother. They talked about their own late experiences and helped the mother understand that this stuff happens to everyone.
Authenticity is showing up and being real and honest. We need to let go of the image of who we think we are suppose to be and embrace who we are. Everyday, we need to use courage to fight because the world can sometimes fight back. Even the right decisions can sometimes be the most unpopular. Examples are we know that reducing sugar is bad for our diet but companies know that if their food isn’t high in sugar, not a lot of people would buy it because it’s no longer tasty. There’s risk putting yourself out there in the world but there’s also more risk in hiding yourself and your gifts from the world
2. Compassion
Compassion comes from the latin roots “pati” and “cum” which mean “to suffer with”. We do two things as our first instinct: protect ourselves while looking for someone to blame or we go into a fix it mode. Compassionate people understand their own darkness. Only by understanding our own darkness can we be equals with someone who is experiencing their own darkness.
Self-Compassion comes from three things (self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness). American Buddhist nun Pema Chodron mentions that we can expect to experience the fear of our pain and have to learn to relax to move slowly towards what scares us. Compassionate people are aware of the limits of their boundaries. If people break our boundaries and make us feel bad, it’s tough to remain compassionate. Instead of blaming and shaming, we could hold people responsible for breaking our boundaries and hurting us.
3. Connection
Connection is the energy between two people when they feel seen, heard and valued. You have to be willing to connect with someone before they can start connecting with you. No, that does not include Facebook and social media because it gives us the illusion of connection. A cultural problem we have is our attitude of tackling problems by ourselves. It’s easy to give help to others but it’s much harder to ask for help from others.
Brown also brings up spirituality which is the idea that we’re all connected by some greater power that connects us through love and compassion. She specifies that it’s not referring to religion, but we can find it through religion for some people. By believing that there is a greater power than ourselves, it contributes to shame resilience.
4. Shame, Guilt & Shame Resilience
Shame makes us feel flawed and is the birthplace of perfectionism. There’s a misconception that associates perfectionism with striving to be the best. Perfectionism acts as a shield to prevent ourselves from being blamed and shamed for failures. At its core, it’s about pleasing others for approval and acceptance. On the other hand, healthy self improvement focuses on themselves.
People often mix up guilt and shame. Shame leads to self destructive behavior which makes us feel like we can’t change our circumstances by telling us that “I am bad.” They’re craving for a sense of feeling worthy. However, guilt tells the person “I did something bad” which has often been attributed to behavior change.
Shame resilience comes from recognizing it and moving through it. Even though everyone has shame, we’re all afraid to talk about shame. Shame gets more power from our silence and not talking about it. People who recognize when they’re feeling shame have high shame resilience. They also are more likely to seek help to do something to help manage their feelings and seek social support from friends and family.
Ultimately, Brene admits our stories of shame are not meant for everyone. Hearing our stories are a privilege and we have to earn that right to hear it.
5. Gratitude & Joy
Gratitude comes from practice. People have gratitude journals, daily meditation/ prayers, art, and say what they’re grateful for that day outloud. She uses the analogy TGIF (what I’m trusting, what I’m grateful for, what inspires me, how i’m practicing my faith) as her pillars to practicing gratitude everyday.
People often use joy and happiness interchangeably. The difference is that happiness is tied to circumstance while joy is tied to spirit and gratitude. No one feels happiness or joyful all of the time. Happiness comes and goes based on external situations while joy is tethered to our heart by spirit and gratitude. The opposite of joy is fear and that fear prevents people from the joy that they’re looking for.
To describe joy, she uses twinkle lights as an example. Joy is not constant and comes to us in moments. A giant wave of joy would be unbearable to handle. Brown declares, “I believe a joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith.” Everything is tied together and we reflect back on special moments of our lives and those memories bring us joy.
6. Faith & Reason
Faith is the courage to believe in something we can’t see. To let go of the fear of uncertainty, we need faith to give strength. In our society, people place faith and reason on two opposite sides against each other. Our fears of the unknown and of being wrong create conflict between these two. The reality is that faith and reason are not enemies. They’re only pitted against each other because of each side’s obsession with being right. Both sides cannot always be right because there are contradictions on both sides. Scientists value reason but come up with imagined hypotheses and theories. Religious folks value faith to guide but insist on looking for answers that are always true. The truth is that you need both faith and reason to navigate an uncertain world.
7. Creativity
Creative and non-creative people do not exist. There are people who use creativity and people who don’t. Creativity lives inside us until we’re ready to express it. If we harbor resentment and fear, it only leads to us neglecting and suffocating our creative side. Our only contribution is the world is our creativity and one way we create meaning is through art. Everyone’s creativity is unique and allows them to use their creative minds to connect the unconnected parts of life.
8. Play
I’m sure the first thing you thought of was your elementary school self playing on a playground. If you weren’t, you sure are now. Play shapes our brain, helps us foster empathy, navigate complex social groups, and at the core of creativity and imagination. The first property of play is purposeless. You do it for fun. We don’t usually play because we view it as wasting time and creates stress.
The opposite of play is depression. Play can transform work by causing us to think differently, deal with difficulties, promotes mastery of our craft, and creates creativity. We’re driven by a biological need for play. We can let go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity to determine our self worth by being intentional with sleep and play. Brown has two lists: practical and dreams. The dream list includes a lot of things that require money but didn’t make her life any fuller or more rewarding. Her practical list would allow her to live life right now instead of worrying about their dreams. She took action by limiting work and activities to make more time for family play time.
9. Meaningful Work
Everyone wants to cultivate a sense of meaning and purpose in their work. We do that by sharing our gifts and talents with the world. When we don’t use our talents, we pay for it through the toll on our emotional and physical well being. When we use our gifts and talents to create meaningful work, it takes a lot of commitment, but gives us meaning to our lives.
The danger of self doubt and the words “supposed to “ leads to questioning our own gifts and talents. We start comparing ourselves to others and hold ourselves up to an impossible standard of perfection. The more we ignore these thoughts, the louder it gets. Brown suggests writing these words down so these messages of self doubt don’t get more power.
Ultimately, we should believe that who we are right now is gifted and talented and let go of what the world dictates and says about us and who we are.
10. Laughter, Song, Dance
Without laughter, song, and dance, life would be unbearable, but we constantly take these experiences for granted. It allows us an emotional and spiritual connection to remind us that we’re not alone. For every emotion, there’s a corresponding song, dance, and path to laughter for everyone.
Part of shame resilience requires laughter, song, and dance. Laughter is a spiritual form that conveys that we agree with a person. One of those forms that heals us is called knowing laughter. We connect with each other through laughing with each other rather than at each other. Through song, the music moves us emotionally and connects with the singer.
When we’re trying to stay cool and remain in control, we minimize our risk for ridicule by not doing things to increase our vulnerability. One way we can be more vulnerable is through dance. The most vulnerable dance is full-body vulnerability where we let our body express ourselves because we have a strong natural pull towards rhythm and movement. In front of strangers, we don’t want to be perceived as awkward and goofy in front of strangers. When we pick cool and in control over the need to be goofy, we betray ourselves and that leads to betraying people we love too. Life is too precious to be cool and in control. Laugh. Sing. Dance.
11. Calm and Stillness
Brown brings quiet and perspective to her decisions by being calm. She achieves calmness by practicing it and over time, it can spread to others around you. Think about the last time someone in an agitated state yelled at you to calm down. Did that calm you down? Chances are that it led you to copy their agitated state of mind. Speaking to someone with a calm demeanor can lead a enraged person to mimic your calm manor. To practice calmness, we can count to ten and then respond or we can give ourselves permission to acknowledge that we don’t have all the information we need. Breathing is a great way to start practicing being calm.
Stillness is less complicated than calm but a lot more difficult to do. Stillness is not focusing on nothingness but more about clearing a space in your mind where you can think, dream, and reflect. Some ways we can practice stillness are through quiet reflection, prayer, and meditation. Through practicing calm and stillness, we can reduce the anxiety from our lives.
Check out her book if you want to learn more!
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
