When we’re in relationships, we can often get lost about what the best advice is. John Gottman, who wrote a book on what makes successful marriages, researched and compiled a list of ideas. I found that much of the advice is also helpful for people in all relationships and wanted to compile information with examples.
To overcome gridlock during conflicts, you need to take the time to listen to why you both feel so strongly about your point of view, communicate gently with one another, reach a temporary compromise, and thank each other for the hard work you’ve both done.
1) Explore Each Other’s Dreams
Dreams are what makes a value or situation so important to that person. It can be the history of what the person has gone through. Keep in mind that it requires a lot of self-reflection to figure out what makes certain situations so painful for us.
- With your partner, choose a gridlocked conflict. Do NOT discuss it yet.
- Take some time to write down an explanation of your position. Avoid criticizing or blaming each other. Focus on your own needs, wants, and feelings about the situation.
- Next, write the hidden dreams that underlie your position. It’s definitely very challenging so don’t feel discouraged if you cannot find it right away. Write down where these dreams come from and what makes your viewpoint important to you.
- Talk about your dreams. Each person gets fifteen minutes to speak. Avoid interrupting. Your goal is not to try to solve the conflict. Instead, try to understand what makes them feel so strongly about the issue.
Speaker’s Role
When you’re speaking, talk honestly about your position, what it means to you, and describe your dreams. Describe it as if you’re talking to a good friend. Start your viewpoints with “I” when talking about your feelings and needs. Avoid criticizing your significant other.
Listener’s Role
When listening to your partner, there may be moments where you’re tempted to interrupt them. Suspend judgment and don’t take it personally if those dreams don’t necessarily line up with yours.
Hear their dream and encourage them to explore it. This is not the time to think thoughts where you believe they are wrong. If you want to take the next step, tell your partner that you support their dream.
“If you want to take the next step, tell your partner that you support their dream.”
Step 2: Soothe
It’s definitely brave and stressful to talk about your dreams in front of another person. It’s even more stressful when those dreams are completely opposite from one another. If you start to feel stressed out, let your partner know that you both need a break.
The alternative is to let flooding occur. Flooding is when one person is overwhelmed by negative feelings. Once flooding occurs, the conversation stops being productive and it leads nowhere. This is the result we want to prevent from happening.
If a break is needed or flooding occurs, stop for at least 20 minutes to do something else and then reconvene.
Step 3: Reach a Temporary Compromise
After listening to each other, you both have to accept that there will be differences between the two of you. No one will expect to get 100% of what they want. Take steps towards finding an initial compromise and a promise to continue to work at figuring out the problem together peacefully. No compromise is perfect, but you both will work together to strive towards something you’re both comfortable with.
Like I mentioned earlier, there should be no expectation that you’re both going to solve the problem. The goal in each conversation is to work together to reduce the amount of hurt that’s been caused by this conflict.
One of my favorite exercises from Gottman is the two circles method with an inner and outer circle.
You start by drawing an inner circle and then drawing a larger outer circle around it. Within the inner circle, write down the parts of the conflict that you’re unable to give up. In the outer circle, write down what you may be willing to be flexible on working with your partner.
To sum it up:
Inner = nonnegotiables
Outer = areas of flexibility
“A successful compromise is more likely if both sides are able to reduce what is in their inner circle and increase what they are willing to compromise in the outer circle. “
Share the two lists with each other and come up with a temporary compromise. There is no need to find a permanent solution now. This is the experimentation stage where you find out what works for your relationship and what does not. Try it for a couple of months before revising where you both stand.
Step 4: Practice Gratitude
After a stressful situation, you may want to just unwind after the conversation ends. However, you want to the end session on a positive note. Thank your partner by offering them three specific thank yous for their contributions to the conversation.
I hope these tips have been helpful for you. Let me know which tip you’ve found that resonated the most with you.
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
